SIBERIA BOY: Lucky I had called work to say I would be late today so now I could spend more time at this movie with my date. Set man. I parked and went in but Renu was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she went in already because she did not want to be seen standing around outside Fifty Shades Free.
I purchased one ticket and went in. The movie had started and it was dark. I peered into the darkness and slowly could make out some shapes. I walked towards the back of the cinema surely that’s where she would be seated waiting for me. “Renu” I whispered, “Renu” I called out.
SIBERIA GIRL: What an idiot that guy is rushing off just as I arrived. I knew it, Jiten was running scared. Anyway I had kept my side of the bargain and turned up at least. I walked out of Thurston Gardens caught a Nasese bus to the bus stand and another bus home sweet home.
SIBERIA BOY: A couple of heads turned my way but I could not really tell who they were. I felt my way past a couple of people seated in the last row and squeezed into an empty seat. There was a very hot sex scene going on now on the big screen with surround sound.
“Renu”, I called again leaning forward nearer to the person in front of me. The person turned back with beads of sweat running down his face, “Shhhh” he said to me. What? I saw his face as the screen lit up and he saw mine! Jiten he screamed in shock. It was my boss Siti.
Next day at our staff meeting my boss Siti asked me what I had done yesterday. As we planned Sir I helped you with a survey at Damodar City all morning and our findings show we should have a polling centre there for the next election, I said. Great idea Jiten, he answered.
SIBERIA GIRL: One week later I got a call from Jiten saying that he had good news, he had been promoted to a senior position in the Fiji Elections office for his excellent work at Damodar City recommending an elections office there. Then he asked if I had seen Fifty Shades Free?
SIBERIA BOY Dear Renu, whenever I pass you in my Prius as you walk to the bus stop in the morning, I smell your sweet fragrance like a Tiger smells a deer in the jungle. It makes me want to just relax my life jacket, jump out and squash you in my arms to smell your breathing.
SIBERIA GIRL He is so obnoxious in his red Prius driving around like he is Shah Rukh Khan in his Rolls Royce. I wish one day he gets a puncture right on the roundabout and I will be the first person to walk past him while he is sweating changing the tyre and drop a stink fart.
SIBERIA BOY Man I just know she likes me. I can tell by the way she walks when she knows my Prius is coming up behind her. She can hear the roar of my V8 engine and she shakes her hips like a Tuwai goose step in the Hong Kong 7s. Oilei tamana I did not see that Highway patrol.
SIBERIA GIRL Ha ha it was so funny to see him stopped by the Highway Patrol for driving through the pedestrian crossing while people were crossing . I told the Policeman to check his licence properly and secretly stuck my chewing gum on his car. See you at the Cokes I bluffed.
SIBERIA BOY Man how did she know I ran the 1500M for Labasa College in the final at the Coke Games? I remember waving farewell to my family on the Patterson Brothers Ferry at Nabouwalu. It was my first overseas trip on a passenger cruise ship and I cried all the way to Natovi.
SIBERIA BOY drove his shiny Prius down to ANZ Stadium, Suva for Day 3 of the Coke Games to try and spot Renu who was not even there. He purchased a grandstand ticket from a MBHS supporter for $50 and ended up cheering Red Fire until the security removed him for misbehaving!
SIBERIA BOY Man I got carried away cheering Red Fire for Labasa Sangam until some Marist gang found out I was not an old boy so they pushed me out towards the Saint Joseph girls where I guessed Renu would be but one old Chinese Nun hit me on my head with her umbrella.
SIBERIA BOY had a brilliant idea, he would start running again to impress Renu. He bought a new pair of Nike joggers, NBA shorts and Chiefs Super Rugby jersey and started running past her house every morning and evening until Renus dog, Max chased him and bit his leg.
SIBERIA GIRL I never knew he was running past my house until Max got fed up. Jiten said he may report Max to the Police so I offered to pay for his taxi to Suva Private Hospital where the bill came to $245 and he was last seen sprinting down Amy Street chased by the security.
SIBERIA BOY Man I never run so fast in all my life! Lucky the security at that hospital is unfit. I thought it was part of CWM and so I got full treatment by a nurse from Chennai. Man she was so pretty I told her I am studying to be a surgeon at the Siberia Medical University.
SIBERIA BOY Anything that MIOT nurse from Chennai offered for my dog bite treatment I said yes. She rubbed my leg with Vicks, virgin coconut oil and Deep Heat then she gave me Asprin, Panadol and Tonkins for the dog bite. I thought it was all free at CWM new wing until she gave me the bill.
SIBERIA BOY God almighty $245 cost, I nearly had a running stomach and heart attack at the same time. Thinking fast I asked her if she wanted my urine sample, Huh she looked puzzled, er I mean I need to pee, I said. Oh no she called the security guard to accompany me.
SIBERIA BOY Lucky when I went into the toilet the security stayed outside and one of the doctors had hung his white overcoat over the door which I pulled over put on and walked out until the doctor screamed. Too late I goose stepped out the front door and was away like Naduva.
SIBERIA BOY After my dog bites healed I splashed out on a gift for Renu to make friendship. I bought two gulab jamun and two jelebi from the bean cart and gave it to her with a short note. My Dearest Renu, one gulab jamun and jelebi is for you and one each is for your dog Max.
SIBERIA BOY I hope Renu did not eat the gulab jamun and jelebi I gave her for her dog Max! I mixed extra masala spice and chili in it to make my revenge for biting my leg. She can take me to FRCA or the Consumer Council for it, but I will ask Legal Aid to take me to Court.
SIBERIA GIRL I threw all his sweets down the toilet and flushed it with great delight. What does he think I am; hard up for his gulab jamun? Max only eats red meat thank you. I bought two coconut burfi and injected a laxative into it and sent it to Jiten.
SIBERIA BOY Man that coconut burfi from my darling Renu was so sweet. I ate it at midnight to show my love for her. Next morning I could not go to work at the Elections Office and they put a message on FM96 to sign my Contract because I had a upset stomach.
SIBERIA BOY Not many people know but I call Jerry Tuwai Kai and he is my good gang, When I meet him in Sukuna Park he gives me some tips on my goose step so one day I can play for Fiji in the Hong Kong 7s as the first speedster from Siberia then Renu will run for my signing.
SIBERIA GIRL That guy Jiten is a big dreamer saying he knows Jerry Tuwai. One day he gave me a $7 note saying it was signed by the Fiji 7s Captain but it is probably a forgery as it looks like it is signed Jiten Tuwhy big ball berry. I used that $7 note to buy my dogs food.
SIBERIA BOY Today I am turning a new leaf over at the USP Gym training fulltime after work then jogging to my Prius in the car park. I started lifting the ball with all the medicine in it and man it was so heavy then my professional Trainer Pate gave me a push up five times.
SIBERIA BOY My professional gym trainer Pate said my upper body strength is near to the beast Kunatani and my lower body legs is like the Kiwi Ferns goal shooter from New Zealand. He must be a good Striker. Today something drop in my sapo when I lift the 10Kg bar with no weights.
SIBERIA GIRL Jitens voice is so deep now. I wonder what it is? He has also stopped going to the gym saying he pulled a muscle and Jerry Tuwai told him to take a break from training and practise on his ball skills. I notice his underwear on their clothes line is really salulu now.
SIBERIA BOY Doctor Ali squeezed my polo and said I have to go for a hernia operation at CWM maternity ward after it drop from lifting too heavy weights at USP gym. I am wearing double underwear and taping it up with the same black tape Jerry Tuwai uses in the Hong Kong 7s.
SIBERIA BOY The doctor at CWM said my hernia operation was bad luck and they cut off my polo and now my hormone thing is lost balance so I really like the Fijian male nurse, Joe who serves my food and told me to call her Jogina. Today she gave me extra dhal soup and rub my leg.
SIBERIA BOY This morning Jogina brought my breakfast which she cooked at home especially for me, two boil egg and when I swallowed one she said it is to remind me I am a different man now so I shared my second boil egg with her. I think I am in love for the first time in my life.
SIBERIA BOY I am still in CWM no polo Ward on Mothers Day today and I cried when Jogina brought me a special Mothers Day cake which she baked all by herself for me to blow out the candle. Anyway she has invited me to move into her flat in Bagasau, Suva when I am discharged.
SIBERIA GIRL Thank goodness I have not seen Jiten Singh in his fancy pancy Pruis for a few weeks now. Having morning tea at a café today the Chinese owner introduced himself as Jaxon Lee from Hong Kong, Taekwondo instructor. Time to pay he said my tea was free. Vinaka Jaxon.
SIBERIA GIRL Actually I cannot get Jaxon Lee out of my mind so I went back for another cup of tea and he gave me a Chinese fortune cookie which you bite open and read what is written inside on a strip of paper. Mine said, Old Chinese Proverb Always go with boy with bigger car.
SIBERIA BOY I thought Siberia, Labasa was bad, but Bagasau near Toorak in Suva is a tough hood man. Jogina and I live in his flat with his big Aunty Fulori. Now I am in the hood all the gang want to ride in my Pruis but they never pay. One guy offered me his Bus Card to swipe.
SIBERIA BOY Late last night me Jogina, Aunty Fulori and some gang ran out of grog, so I offered to go and buy more. About 7 gang pile in my Prius and we drove to one shop in Nasese. While I was waiting in the car they came sprinting out, jumped in and yelled at me to take off.
After we finish the grog at 4am Aunty Fulori said she must drink 4 long neck Fiji Bitter before she sleeps so I had to drive the gang in my Prius to one black market in Kinoya. Aunty Fulori drink too much and want to fight with me. Next day she cannot remember.
SIBERIA BOY: Jogina has been asking me to go to lotu with her, I think she wants to get married but I am Punjabi and she is a Methodist so we will see the Talatala at church later today. Aunty Fulori is SDA but says she is now studying Islam so she does not go to church.
Man Jogina burst into tears as the Talatala was very blunt when he said we cannot get married in any church in Fiji because Jogina she is not a girl. I wanted to strangle him with my red turban. Anyway we bought one carton Mokusiga Beer and taki with Aunty Fulori .
SIBERIA BOY: Aunty Fulori was so happy today when she came home from work at Fiji Airports Limited because they change their name from Airports Fiji Limited they are getting full set new uniform as her old one was getting tight. Too much Mokusiga Beer Gunuva Batabata.
SIBERIA GIRL: Wow I am sure I saw Jiten Singh, Father’s name Billy Singh of Siberia, Labasa driving by in his red Prius today with a girl with long black hair. She looked so pretty from a distance. Chi chi fancy man. I am good friends with Jaxon Lee, we sing Karaoke together.
SIBERIA BOY: Aunty Fulori look too good in her new Fiji Airports Limited uniform she does not want to catch the bus now so I had to drive her to Nausori International Fiji Airports Limited. After work she went to Whistling Duck got drunk and had a fight. Kabasu her new uniform.
We pick Aunty Fulori from Nausori Police station this morning. She said she was in her new uniform with some staff at Whistling Duck. After they taki 6 long neck Fiji Bitter she started pole dancing and twerking like Jogina showed her and the mans wife punch her.
SIBERIA GIRL: I saw Jiten Singh, Father’s name Billy Singh, outside Nausori Police station today with some boys and one big drunk lady in her kabasu uniform. Those boys were the same ones who ran out of Jaxon Lees shop without paying for their beer last week. I dialled 911.
SIBERIA BOY: I woke up at 4am something was tingling in my spine. Just when I looked outside my window our bedroom door kabasu and the Police mobile raided Jogina and I in bed. Then Aunty Fulori charged like a bull taking them all by surprise it took 4 policemen to handcuff her.
After Aunty Fulori sobered up the Police questioned us about the robbery of beer from the Chinese store. They say Aunty Fulori drank the evidence but a witness saw my car with the robbers. Before I could answer, Aunty Fulori said she wants her lawyer Jon Apted.
SIBERIA BOY: Man Jon Apted is so good looking, his hair is so soft and silver and his voice is very husky. Lucky Aunty Fulori knows him from Golden Dragon where she said they used to pole dance until sunrise. He told the Police to release us on bail.
When we were released by the Police there was plenty media waiting including Culden Kamea from Teivovo Rugby who wanted to know if Aunty Fulori was in the Fiji Womens XVs team.
By Culden Kamea
